walk with me (ellexie) [ANGLAIS]

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

She’d gone out without really knowing where she was heading. The only thing she knew was that she needed to get out of the loft before she went mad from pacing, both eagerly waiting for Miles to come home and dreading the moment he would step inside the front door. It was a strange thing, really, to be worried sick about him and yet sort of fear running into him at the same time, for she could never face him properly. He’d spent so much at the hospital these days that it was almost as if the cozy home they were supposed to share had been hers alone instead.
She didn’t mind his spending so much time at Willow’s side, desperately waiting for something to happen, for her to wake up – or at least, even though it triggered a distinct feeling of unease deep in her chest, she understood why he needed to see for himself that she was still alive; Unmoving, unresponsive, but alive, the beating of her heart closely monitored on screens. Because no matter how she looked at it, it had, strictly speaking, been Milo’s fault that their car had swerved and crashed on the side of the road.
She understood his devotion. But it only went so far, and she was also worried about his behavior, his eating too little, his barely sleeping, his working too much. She’d tried to convince him that he needed his rest, that Luke, Willow’s fiancé, was by her side, that he would know instantly if anything changed, that he could stay, that he should stay home at least a couple of days, stop running around when he’d been a car crash only weeks ago, for God’s sakes. They’d had rows about it; Not shouting matches like they’d had when they were younger about stupid little things, before they kissed and made up, but sighs, snappy retorts, doors slamming shut. He’d even slept on the couch a couple of times after a fight. She hadn’t been able to sleep, alone in their bed, but when she’d woken, he was already out. It was not that they’d never fought before, because, sure, they had, but it had never been this bad, never quite this intense, never this insidious. It appeared as though they were constantly on edge; Their interactions had become tentative, as if she was trying to tame a wild animal, hurt and ready to bolt if she made the slightest movement in its direction.

So, yeah, she’d needed the air. At first, she’d thought of going for a run, but as it turned out, she couldn’t find her sneakers, so she’d just put on some shorts, light shoes and gotten out for a walk in the neighborhood. She’d walked one mile, two miles, not quite checking where she was going, as if her feet had a mind of their own, separated from her head and the questions and worries that filled it and swirled around until she got dizzy.
Somehow, she’d crossed Mission District and gotten in front of the city’s public library, with no idea where to go next. Truth is, she desperately wanted to talk to someone who wasn’t one of hers and Miles’ friends, someone whom she could either confide in or trust to talk about something different entirely, someone she knew wouldn’t be pitying her for the way things had turned out, someone who wouldn’t have to take sides.
She’d been at this library quite often, now that she thought about it. This is where Lexie had tutored her for hours when she was trying to pass this stupid psychology exam back during her first year at SFSU. She wondered how Lexie was, what she was up to, and before she knew it, she’d dug inside her shorts’ pocket and taken out her phone. They hadn’t had the occasion to talk for a few weeks, ever since she’d received that call from the ambulance to tell her that Miles and Willow had crashed their car, but she found herself strangely comforted as she shot Lexie a text.

Hey, what’s up? I’m in front of the library, are you around? We should catch up xx Ella

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Ella smiled when she got Lexie’s text, and she briefly considered sitting on the steps of the library while waiting for her friend. In the end, she decided against it, not only because it looked to her as though the stone was dirty but mostly because she felt too restless to actually sit down. Instead, she started pacing, her thumb hovering over her phone’s screen, trying to decide what to do next.

For a few seconds, she thought about texting Miles both to tell him where she was and not to wait for her.
It would’ve only been an excuse, though, to ask him the most important thing, whether he was alright, and to tell him she hoped he was doing okay, whatever what he was doing or with whom – although that last bit made her stomach clench.
An excuse to tell him she loved him. To remind him, more like.
She couldn’t remember the last time she’d said it to him. Probably right after he’d woken up in his hospital bed, like a prayer, a wish, but she hadn’t repeated it ever since. The words were truer than they’d ever been, and yet she didn’t seem to be able to get them out, to say them out loud. They always got stuck in her throat on their way to her mouth – perhaps they never managed to actually get past her shaken heart.
She’d never had trouble saying those words to him before. But now, they felt tainted somehow. They felt like blackmail, as if saying them gave her the impression that she was forcing him to say it back. She should have hated him for it, for making her think it was inappropriate on her part to state how much she cared about him, how deep her feelings ran beneath her skin. Yet, she couldn’t. She could only love him. She was sick with how much she loved him. Lovesick, because of her own boyfriend of all people. How pathetic.
She ended up pocketing her phone without sending anything; she didn’t know whether she should count that as a defeat or a victory.

It took Lexie only a couple minutes to turn around the corner of the busy street, and Ella found herself smiling as she spotted her between two guys on their way down to the subway. Lexie had the slightly flustered look of someone whose day had started off on the wrong foot but was finally getting better. While Ella wasn’t sure whether she should take credit for the slight spring in her friend’s step, she still decided to count it as a small blessing, and she stopped pacing to walk towards Lexie, her arms spread to embrace her.

« Gee! » she laughed as she gave her friend a tight hug, maybe tighter than Lexie felt entirely comfortable with, but Ella hadn’t been able to stop herself. « I think you look even more like crap than I do! »

Under any other circumstances, it would’ve been a shitty, bitchy comment to make, but Ella’s lips were drawn in a warm smile and it was obvious from the glint in her light eyes that she’d meant it as a joke. Hearing her own laughter almost made her flinch, though, as if she wasn’t permitted to make that sound just yet, as if it was indecent of her to feel so cheerful when she should’ve been moping constantly. Her joy at seeing a friendly face, however, had gotten the better of her and she let Lexie go, almost fearing that she’d broken her ribs in her enthusiasm.

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

« Well considering the day I was having before your text, it would be a very bad thing if I didn't. » As a smile appeared on her friend’s lips, Ella was forced to admit that Lexie didn’t look quite as bad as she’d implied. True, she looked a bit frantic, but it was the good kind of frantic, the kind of trantic look you get when you’re doing something exciting, and Ella knew Lexie was doing just that at her job.
She’d never seemed nearly as lively as she was now when she’d tutored her back in her first year, that was for sure. Then again, Ella had been so terrible as a psych student that it was surprising Lexie had even accepted to keep tutoring her long enough to pass that goddamn exam. She was glad that she had, however, because although their meetings had never exactly been fascinating, due to it being boring school stuff, they’d used that time to get to know each other better.

Lexie had been so much more down to earth, so much more mature than she was back then; she’d been the first person she went to when she needed advice, the first one she thought of when she needed someone to confide into. She remembered when she was desperately trying not to fuck things up with Miles back when they’d first started dating, how many hours she’d spent on the phone with Lexie complaining that Miles was going to see right through her, realize what a fraud she was, how someone like him shouldn’t settle for someone like her.
Lexie’d called her an idiot and told her something cliché, like “just be yourself” and Ella had laughed at that, objecting that she couldn’t be herself, because she was a selfish, spoiled heiress and that wasn’t what Miles was looking for. And Lexie’d said that if she’d been able to see beyond that, it meant that Ella should, too, that she should stop underestimating herself, stop hiding behind this mask she’d been wearing so long it had almost started to feel like her own skin.
That was the one thing about Lexie: she wasn’t wise, exactly, but she had psychology. She knew how to read people, and she’d taught Ella how to see herself, her true self. Which wasn’t perfect in any way, far from it, but which wasn’t as bad as she’d thought, either. She’d discovered she cared about people, discovered that she was fair rather than just tough. Her friendship with Lexie had been the stepping stone on which she’d built everything that came after that: her new, truer self, her relationship with Miles, her new ambitions, her other friendships, her new ideals. Lexie’d done that. In many ways, she’d become, more than just a friend, the sister Ella had never had.

« So what's going on in Ella land ? Or should I say, what's wrong ? » The other thing about Lexie: she didn’t beat about the bush, although Ella knew she wouldn’t push the subject if she sensed Ella wasn’t comfortable with it. But she didn’t waste time when she felt something was wrong, and somehow, she always breached the subject in a reassuring manner. Or maybe Ella just felt this way because she actually needed some comforting.

« Being an FBI agent suits you », she noticed with a grin. « No small talk, cut the crap, straight to the point. Very impressive, agent Wellington ! » Now, Ella was the one stalling, trying to buy some time to pull herself together. She waved a hand, as though she was trying to chase away an annoying fly, or some other kind of insect. « Everything’s… » Fine. She should’ve been able to say it. It was easy, a short word, barely a syllable. But she’d never been a good liar; plus, she didn’t actually want to lie. She hated lies. Liars. « Everything’s… not fine, actually. Miles’ been… Well, he was in a car crash a couple days ago. I mean, he’s okay, obviously. Mostly. I think. It’s just… It’s a bit complicated at the moment. I’m not sure what happened, he’s just… he hasn’t been himself lately. I don’t know what to do. » She ran a hand through her hair, very much aware that she’d brought down the mood. She tried to shrug, hoping to minimize the impact of her words. « Ha, boys trouble. You know what that’s like », she added with a hint of irony, but her smile didn’t quite reach up to her eyes. « Anyway, what about you ? Hellish day, is it ? » It might have sounded as if she was trying to change the subject, and maybe she was, just a little, just for a while, until she’d gathered her wits, but she really was interested in asking, knowing how things were for Lexie. It was one of the other things she’d learned from her friend upon arriving in San Francisco; listening to people, really listening to them, rather than just asking them for the sake of appearances and not really caring about their answer. She did care. Very much. Too much, it felt sometimes.
Maybe life was easier when she didn’t care.

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

« Gosh, I'm so sorry... I had no idea. This must be so hard on you. » Ella didn’t realize she’d dropped a bomb until she saw shock flicker across Lexie’s face. Somehow, she hadn’t remembered that Miles wasn’t the only Whitaker her friend was familiar with; she knew Joan, too, and Ella wished she’d been more tactful in announcing the accident. On top of everything, she didn’t want Lexie to beat herself up and think she’d been a bad friend to Joan, not even knowing about her little brother’s car crash. « It’s okay », she said immediately, trying to make up for her mistake. « Miles is... You know, he’s okay. Broken arm and ribs, but otherwise healthy. »

She felt she should tell Lexie more about the accident, about Willow and her coma. She didn’t really want Lexie to find out through Joan that Miles and Willow had been driving away from her wedding to Luke when it had happened, because if she did, Lexie would wonder why on Earth Ella hadn’t said anything about that. « Thanks », she murmured at her friend’s obvious compassion. « It’s been… it’s been tough, but hopefully, it’ll be… You know what they say, it gets better. » Until it didn’t anymore, but she couldn’t let herself think that. « It’s just… Well, he was with this friend when it happened, you know, Willow? » This friend didn’t quite cover it, but she couldn’t bring herself to say any more. « I just wish… I wish I knew more about what actually happened back there. Miles won’t talk about it. » She knew he would if she pushed him, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to break him. She had a bad feeling it’d break her, too. « Well, it's not just any boys. I mean you and Miles.. that's not something you get to see everyday. » Well, she was right, of course. Miles wasn’t just any boy. Miles was the boy, her everything, really. Hearing this from Lexie made her heart swell so much it almost hurt. It was good, hearing it from someone else, knowing that she wasn’t the one imagining it, their chemistry, their love, the way they cared for each other, how they balanced each other out, how they fit like two pieces of a puzzle despite their differences. She wanted to say something, but her words stuck in her throat and she knew her voice would tremble if she opened her mouth. So she just smiled, eyes bright with unshed tears that she blinked away, hoping it’d be enough to let Lexie know how much her words and her positive attitude meant to her.
She even chuckled as Lexie told her about her day. « Well no one's in the hospital, but I think karma is getting its payback today. I could not get hot water in the shower this morning, then I slipped, spilt some juice.. oh and I ripped a skirt.. Tell me, am I such a horrible person ? » Ella put a hand over her own mouth to stifle a giggle and she shook her head. « No, you’re not. Not in this life, that’s for sure! » she mused, squeezing her friend’s shoulder. « But maybe I can make it better? I mean, who knows, maybe you’ve had such a rotten day so far because fate knew about all the fun you’d be having with me later. What do you want us to do? We could go to a cafe and get some juice that won’t spill. Or maybe go shopping for a new skirt? Or, you know, twenty new skirts. I’m not picky. » She turned on the spot decidedly, trying to pinpoint where to head next. « Now, let’s talk about something that doesn’t suck, alright? Like, your job. Everyone treating you okay? » She knew Lexie wasn’t allowed to talk about her job per se, but some chit chat on the subject couldn’t hurt, right? She loved hearing Lexie talk about her job and the fascinating cases that she got.

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

« Well I'm sure that he has a good reason for not telling you. He might not remember everything well because of the shock and everything that happened with the accident. Is she ok ? » Ella wished they didn't have to cover the cover, and she shrugged, trying to figure out how to move on swiftly to a happier topic. « I hope you're right. She was in pretty bad shape for a while. She's doing better, but there are still, you know, complications. » Namely, the fact that the doctors had diagnosed her with amnesia. It explained why Miles had been so distant - she couldn't even imagine how she'd feel if she ever hurt something she cared about as much as Miles cared for Willow, but still, she was happy when they changed the subject. « I guess we can start with the drink and then go shopping once we're full of energy. »
« Well, right this way, then, miss ! » Ella said in a cheerful voice, gesturing in the direction of a nearby smoothie bar where she stopped once in a while when she both wanted to indulge her sweet tooth tendencies and didn't want to feel like she was eating anything too unhealthy, like that time when she'd just failed an exam and had left the Starbucks with a paper bag full of pastries and a latte in which the barista had put so much sugar she could almost feel a severe case of diabetes settling in. Although in her state of nerves, she would have loved to devour a full box of caramel doughnuts and gulp down a gallon of hot chocolate with extra sweeteners, the smoothie bar was the safest best if she didn't want to slip into hyperglycemia and shake with overexcitement for the rest of afternoon.

It was probably a wise decision, given how she squeaked as Lexie told her about her work situation.
« An intern? » she screeched, quite outraged. « How come? You don't look like an intern! » And she really didn't; she looked way too confident and accomplished to ever be mistaken for a shy, insecure student that had just graduated and was struggling to find her place at her new workplace.  « I bet you get more work done than half of them at least… And they all know it and they feel threatened by your general awesomeness », she scoffed. She briefly wondered if it was because she was a woman. Ella knew Lexie must work with a lot of men; it was, after all, the FBI, and although she knew some progress had been made over the past decade to hire more female agents, she supposed it was one of those places where change was slow to take in.
She'd had to struggle against that sort of attitude herself; she'd seen the same behaviour among the members of her future board of directors at RESettler. Just because she was a girl, and quite young at that, all the men on her board had gotten to treating her like she was a child, a puppet to control. They hadn't been happy with Ella's father's decision to some day leave his chair to his only daughter, as if just because she wasn't a boy, she didn't have what it took to be a great CEO. Had she been a boy, Ella was sure those men would have been more than happy to mentor her, but because she was a girl, to them, it had turned to baby-sitting rather than mentoring. It was this attitude in particular that had made her drop the whole princess act she had going on and try to make a place for herself.

In any case, no wonder that in the FIB's traditionally male environment, Lexie's colleagues treated her more like an assistant rather than an equal. Appalling, but altogether not surprising. « I hope you kick their butt. »